2016-10-29

不知道是什麼情緒的情緒 (291016)


我有朋友,而且我的朋友都對我真的很好。
但是我總是好奇有個一起上學一起在課間吃飯的朋友到底是怎樣的感覺。

之前剛來的時候大學安排大一生住在宿舍,
那個時候還有跟舍友一起吃飯這樣,但是後來她有了男朋友之後,
我覺得我像個電燈泡那樣跟他們吃飯所以我就默默地退出了這個“朋友圈”。

怎麼說呢,我只是覺得說要找個對你好的朋友很簡單,這個世界那麼大,
善良的人本來就不少啊,只要自己個性不錯就會遇到不錯的朋友來對你好。
但是,好像,要遇到一個無話不說的閨蜜,
那種一起吃飯不怕耽擱到她時間;
那種半夜直接找她還不怕她嫌棄你;
那種可以隨時在她面前放下堅強的面具;
這樣的朋友,我覺得我還沒遇到過。

但是有的時候我覺得是我自討苦吃。
明明就是我自己不喜歡和一大群人一起吃飯。
明明就是我自己不喜歡吃飯的時候要找話題聊。
明明就是我自己覺得groupmates和我思考模式不同。
身為group裡面唯一的一個華人女生,
我常常覺得我和馬來同胞們格格不入。(別誤會我們沒有不合什麼的,只是親密不了)
大多數的時候總是覺得一個人也挺好,
只是每次想要拍照的時候沒人幫忙掌鏡,
只是每次想吃大份食物的時候沒人分享,
只是每次在餐館要上廁所的時候沒人顧著大衣和書包。

嗯,差不多這樣的情緒。

然後呢,還有一種不知道怎麼表達的情緒。
人在外國吧,我明白這個世界上有很多誘惑,
但並不代表你可以為所欲為啊,
不代表你可以吸大麻啊。
嗯,打出來成文字之後我終於這是什麼情緒。
這是擔心的情緒。
你的朋友吸水煙,你就學你就跟。
你的朋友吸電子煙,你也學你也跟。
你的朋友吸大麻,你還是沒頭沒腦地學了跟了。
(管他什麼國家把大麻合法化,我本人絕對反對吸大麻)
抱歉我好像用著你老母的口氣來訓斥你,
但我真心擔心你,
將來我們都會成為醫生,
我們總有一天會成為別人健康的守護者,
為什麼你自己的健康就不守護了呢。
身為朋友(不算親密但關係還算不錯)的我真心希望你不要陷下去。

在俄羅斯學醫吧,讀書不難,只要每堂課去上都做準備就可以順利畢業了。
(聽seniors們說的)
我覺得在這裡學醫難的,是如何在這個冰冷的世界裡尋找溫暖,
害怕的是我們會因為孤單而去隨便找個伴來取暖;
害怕的是我們會因為想要融入朋友圈而去養成一些惡習;
害怕的是我們會因為這裏的安逸而忘了這個小小世界之外的天外有天。
夜裡的時候,我想著其他頂尖大學的競爭力我就覺得自慚形穢。

在這所大學讀書吧,說實話,我得到高分的時候我並沒有很高興,
因為我總是在想,如果我在UCL讀的話,在這麼多學霸裡面我還能不能脫穎而出。
我在這裡成績不錯是不是因為身邊的朋友沒有讀書的動力,而我,只是署中無大將所以廖化成先鋒罷了。
我總是在想,如果我畢業了,要去讀碩士,我有沒有那個資格,我有沒有那個料。
我把我當初的UCL錄取信放在cork board上,就是想要提醒自己不要鬆懈。
我一定要,拿回原本屬於我的一切。
我一定要,臥薪嘗膽。
我一定要,繼續努力下去,就算我身邊的人都在偷懶的時候。

這情緒,是對未來的憧憬還有害怕吧。

就算我沒有個閨蜜來聊心事,但用文字的方式抒發出來也很不錯啊。

讀者們如果你們看完了這篇文章,就在CBOX留個言吧,就算是emoji也可以,
給我一點點的鼓勵吧。

現在的我,很需要。

P/s:今天下了2016年冬天的第一場雪,白色的雪很美,但我真的很討厭滑滑的地板啊 ;___;

Another personality test - apparently I'm a 4w3.


Enneagram 4w3 by lovelikepoesia
“The Four with a Three-Wing"

The traits of the Four are in some degree of conflict with the traits of the Three-wing: Fours are introverted, withdrawn, vulnerable and self-aware, whereas Threes are extroverted, popular, well defended, and lack self-awareness. (I always have known that I'm a walking contradiction, I love attentions but when the attentions are on me I hate it.) The Four’s search for self is in marked contrats to the Three’s ability to project simulated images to others without regard to the real self. The Four’s fear of exposing itself (in a sense, a fear of success) is the opposite of the Three’s self-display and competitive desire for success. The Four’s introverted self-consciousness contrasts with the Three’s charm and other extroverted social skills.

As conflicting as these two component types are, both are nevertheless concerned with self-esteem issues: the Four tends to have low self-esteem, the Three high self-esteem. Both opposing sets of traits can coexist in the same person, although uneasily. Noteworthy examples of the Four with a Three-wing include Tennessee Williams, Maria Callas, Rudolf Nureyev, Frederic Chopin, Marcel Proust, Martha Grahm, Paul Simon, Harold Pinter, Lawrence Olivier, Robert DeNiro, Walt Whitman, Albert Camus, E.M. Forster, Gustav Mahler, Peter Illich Tchaikovsky, Charles Ryder, and Blanche DuBois.

Because of the Three-wing, healthy people of this subtype can be sociable and accomplished, particularly in the arts. They are in touch with who they are and who they are becoming, but with a more extroverted, energetic dimension to them. People of this subtype are also usually ambitious, physically attractive, and possess a certain social sense, which counterbalances the Four’s tendency to withdraw from others. They are adaptable, sensitive to others, and have a good sense of humor.

Average people of this subtype may be helped out of their self-absorption by a concern for what others think of them. Since people of this subtype have the ability to project a favorable image, they are able to conceal their real emotional condition more effectively than the other subtype: others may not realize how vulnerable or emotionally troubled they may be. Fours with a Three-wing are competitive and interested in making something of themselves in the world, but they fear success, self-exposure, and possible humiliation. (anyone who knows me personally know that I'm super competitive, and the rest of the statement is just basically me, wow.) However, to the degree that the Three-wing is operative, this subtype also has narcissistic tendencies (exhibitionistic desires for their behavior). And, to the degree that their narcissistic needs are unfulfilled in reality, their desires for triumph can both play a part in their fantasy life and become a focal point for disappointments.

Since unhealthy persons of this subtype are still fundamentally Fours, they take out their aggressions principally on themselves. (yes yes yes, I'm the queen of passive aggressive and I bottle up my angers all the freaking time.) They are self-inhibited and alienated from others, depressed, self-contemptuous, and so forth. However, to the degree that the Three-wing plays a part in the overall personality, there will be moments when they act like unhealthy Threes. People of this subtype can be hostile and malicious; their secret envy of others will be reinforced by the Three-wing’s jealousy. Exploitativeness, opportunism, and duplicity may also be present, although these traits increase their shame and guilt if they should succumb to them. The vindictive malice which we find in Threes is rarely acted upon by this subtype. If it ever is, however, neurotics of this subtype will punish themselves even more severely than they inflict pain on anyone else. Crimes of passion and suicide are possible.

So, I'm an INFJ, 4w3 and a capricorn. (I don't believe in horoscopes but surprisingly my personality is exactly as described as a capricorn.)

You know more about me today :P 

2016-10-24

Dandioy's Doodle | Don't compare 比較,不需要

✨Don’t compare✨
{比較,不需要。}


//

Don’t compare your chapter 1 to someone else’s chapter 50.
You’re a work in progress. You’re under construction.
You’re a unique individual and your life experiences are way different than others. So just focus on yourself and see yourself grow. Remember that all great things take time! 

:)

不要把自己的序章和別人的最後一章來比較;
你是個未完成品,你還處在雕塑自己的過程;
請你記得,世界上只有一個你,
這個世界上沒有一個人的人生經歷是和你完全相同的;
所以就別把目光放在羨慕的人身上吧,
專注於你自己的成長,
看著自己越來越強大,
給自己多點時間,因為每一件美好的事都值得等待啊。

(♡˙︶˙♡)

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2016-10-16

Dandioy's Doodle | 5 things to be grateful for 五件值得感恩的事

✨5 things to be grateful for✨
{五件值得感恩的事}

//

  1. having food on your table.
  2. being alive, being able to wake up everyday and experience life.
  3. having the opportunity to learn new things.
  4. you’ll always be loved. (even if you’re not aware of it)
  5. you can always start all over. (just push that reset button if you’ve decided to make a change in your life)


A little reminder from dandioy heheh. <3 

  1. 三餐溫飽。
  2. 活著。
  3. 每天都在學習著新事物。
  4. 你一直被愛著。(即使你不知道,即便你沒察覺。)
  5. 你隨時都可以重新開始,只要你下定決心。

不要因為生活壓力而忘了我們擁有的大確幸喔。 
٩(◦`꒳´◦)۶ 

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2016-10-14

Oh depression, you're such a bitch.

Idk, I can just feel it when someone gets depressed.
I think I might have a depression radar, maybe it's because I've been tried it, been there,
so I can sense it when someone is depressed.

I stumbled upon an article today about a South Korean artist that I've been liking since my IB days.
His name is Nam Taehyun and he is one of the member of a boy group WINNER.


I've always liked his sassiness on camera and of course his voice. Unlike other YG entertainment artists who are mostly fierce and badass rappers, he stands out so much because he sings emotional ballads. One of my favourite songs from him is "I'm young", in fact I shared this song on this post. (which was written like only one month ago) 

According to YG, he is currently having some mental health issues and therefore WINNER has to stop their EXIT album releasing promotion. My heart sinks after reading this article, not just because my favourite artist is having depression, but it's because I know how awful it feels to be depressed. 

Taehyunie, please recover soon! I know it is not gonna be easy but I'm rooting for you! <3 

2016-10-09

Dandioy's Doodle | We’re all messed up 我們都摔過

✨We’re all messed up✨
{我們都摔過}

//

I adore "messed-upness".

We're all sort of messed up a little here and there. We've all been in situations where we lost control over things, people & life in general. But I believe that that's when God works miracles on us, He put us to the place we are meant to be, so that we are able to meet people that He wants us to meet, spread love to and learn lessons from. Or maybe some people are meant to be there to hurt us, so that we can learn how to pick ourselves up and move forward. Maybe that’s the point. Mistakes and haunted memories hurts, but they push us. Maybe what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Maybe we have to break before we grow, maybe we have to get our heart scattered before we know the true meaning of love, maybe we have to endure the rain before we see the rainbow.
We're all a bit messed up, a bit broken, a bit damaged, but I think that's what makes us human, that's what makes vulnerability so beautiful & that's what makes us unique and wonderful.

Hang in there my beautiful souls!

:)

我們都摔過。
我們都跌過。
我記得曾經有個人跟我說過,
人啊還是在年輕的時候摔得重點好,
這樣的話以後承受挫折的時候就比較沒有那麼痛。

我們無法控制發生在我們身上的事;
但我相信上帝總是仁慈的,祂會幫助我們,
我們終究會被安排到我們應該在的地方,
去見我們應該要見的人,
有些人會傷害我們,有些人會對我們好,
但他們都是會教導我們道理的人。

雖然摔過會留疤,但這都是成長的印記。
我覺得傷疤很美,那是我們在這個世界上翻滾過的證據。

沒有跌倒,怎能學會站起來?
沒有傷痛,怎會學習去忍耐?
沒有風雨,怎麼會有彩虹呢?

我們一起加油!
ε٩(๑> ₃ <)۶з

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2016-10-01

Recharging Saturday night (1.10.16)

Let my snapchat stories do the speaking shall we? :P

   
SO...yeah. I have been pretty sick for the past week and burning the midnight oil studying for Physiology major does not help at all.

I have only slept for 4 hours, which is extremely little for me because normally I sleep for a freaking 8-10 hours. Sleep deprivation really drives me cray cray. I felt like I do not do well for my Physiology major but oh well. At least I have tried my best.

I got a bit nausea after having the major. That was when I started to sweat profusely. I had no appetite and my head was floating.

To my horror my summer hospital attachment exam was at 11 (I always thought it is at 1), but I prepare nothing for the test at all because I put my all focus on Physio and I felt so uncomfortable I just wanna go home. (Summer hospital attachment exam is basically an exam we got tested on our skills developed during our hospital attachment in summer.) Luckily the teacher just look at my hospital record with doctor's signature and just give me a 5.

 

Then of course I went home.

 

Btw Colourpop's ultra matte lipstick seems so tempting, especially the fall edition one!
Look how gorgeous the colours are! (My two favourite shades are Love Bug and Are N B)

























And the price was reasonable too! I really want to get my hands on these!
Maybe I should save money and buy these for my birthday present hehe.

Actually I should be studying for Wednesday's Histology major but I'm so sick. So I guess this will be a recharging Saturday night for me, just chilling on my bed, listening to my Soundcloud and blogging about my day today.

Okay I should REALLLLYY get some sleep now.

Kay bye

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